parenthood

The Front Right

The brain is so weird. What is going on in there? It is me. But, I know nothing about it. The only thing I know is that I have a picture of my son constantly etched in the front, right side. His face sits over my right eye. Isn’t that weird? No matter what I am doing; quietly folding laundry, loudly directing 120 students on a stage, laughing with friends around the fire pit, begging myself to fall asleep night after night, he is there. Never is he not there.

Always, always, always.

A million years ago, I remember watching a special on the evolution of Disney animation. I have a snapshot memory of the animators creating a forest scene and attempting to actualize a 3D effect.  This had yet to be done. I believe the film was Sleeping Beauty, (but, I could be way wrong) and screens were layered over each other which produced depth and multi dimension. Aside from the brain being weird and me holding onto this odd flash from the past, I see my son like I remember the first animated 3D forest. Hazy layers of all the things pile and crowd on top of each other. I know all of them but I cannot see clearly; Not even the layer holding my precious, I love you more than life itself, son.

He has become peripheral.  He is floating around the front, right of my brain drifting in and out of grocery list making, Christmas tree decorating, email replying, sock matching, dog feeding, homework helping.  He is there but inconsequential. He is slipping away. I’m not sure I know what he looks like these days. I missed all of October and November. I never saw him. How weird. It’s just weird. I can actually feel my brain try to stretch and fold around this weirdness. My brain, or the part of the brain I can talk to, is trying to explain madness and absurdity.  

I am not sure what my point is in this post. I think I am just venting. Maybe processing. The brain is just weird. I own this brain but I have no control. It sends me visions of whatever the hell it wants. It doesn’t care if it makes me happy, sad, confused, or pissed. The brain lets the heart deal with that aftermath.

What a jerk.

Weird, stupid brain.

Thank you for keeping my son for me.

My heart, eyes, and arms miss him and feel him fading.

Thank you for keeping him for me.

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